


Dandelions

by calliopexclio



Category: Red Queen - Victoria Aveyard
Genre: Angst, Attempted Suicide, F/F, Fluff, This is by far the gayest thing ive ever written but i aspire to be gayer
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-09-27
Updated: 2017-09-27
Packaged: 2019-01-05 22:50:53
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,813
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12198975
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/calliopexclio/pseuds/calliopexclio
Summary: Gisa Barrow has had a long battle with her mental health, but soon finds that she doesn't have to face it alone.





	1. Chapter 1

-Cameron-

What a treacherous thing it is to expect a person to be able to hold the weight of the world on their shoulders. We tell ourselves that we’re strong, that this too shall pass. We become so absorbed in painting ourselves as some hero of legend that we don’t notice our back breaking. Often not until it’s too late. I’ve noticed this in people before, too many times to count, but it was different in her. For all the fire her hair, she was drowning.

I saw it in the way her full figure thinned out, I saw it in the way her skin paled, I saw it in the bags under her eyes, I heard it in the way her voice cracked when I asked if she was okay. I saw myself in her. So when I saw her walking past Morrey and I’s house in the middle of the night, headed toward Electrion Hill, I assumed the worst and followed her. She must’ve heard me following her, because she broke into a sprint out of nowhere. Mare isn’t the only Barrow with fast feet. I ran towards her, eventually losing her in the dark. I started to panic. What if I was too late? I ran in the direction I thought the hill was, and when I got near the top, there she was, arms outstretched, ready to jump. “Gisa!” I yell. “Please, step back from the edge. I promise this isn’t worth it.” She doesn’t turn to me, and doesn’t make a sound. “Gisa, please, don’t do this. We can talk it out, just please, get back from the edge.”

She squeaks out an answer. “i-I can’t do t-this.”

I take a step closer to her. “Yes you can. Please, come back here with me. We can talk about this.”

“I can’t go home. I can’t do it. I can’t do it anymore.”

“Do what?”

“Live for them! I was supposed to be their miracle, I was supposed to bring our family together again! They keep pushing me to be this perfect little girl who’s going to be their savior. They keep pushing me to be better than Mare! I just want to be my own person, Cameron! I can’t do that here!” she falls her knees and screams, pounding the ground with her fists. “They don’t really care about me, Cam! If they did, they wouldn’t pin our entire future on my being able to sew!” Then quieter, she whispers, “Maybe I should just break my hand again.”  
“Please don’t.” I whisper desperately. “We can go back to my house, since you don’t want to go home. I can tell your parents that you spent the night at my house. We have coffee, and I can get you some clean clothes. How does that sound?”

“Good.” She sniffs. “Can we keep talking, too? You…I like your company.”

“Of course, Gisa.” I sigh, relieved. She stands up and comes down to where I’m standing.

“Thank you.” She whispers, smiling.

*********

When we walk into Morrey and I’s house he’s awake and sitting on the couch reading by lamplight.

“Who’s this?” He asks, looking at Gisa.

“She’s a friend. She’s staying here with us tonight.”

He narrows his eyes at us. “Cam, you’re too young to-“

“That’s not what I meant, Morr.” I sigh. “She just needs a place to be away from her family for a little while, that’s all.”

Gisa smiles softly at him. “It’s nice to meet you.”  
Morrey returns the gesture. “It’s nice to meet you too.”

I start making coffee for all three of us while Gisa talks with Morrey. When I bring our mugs over, Morrey says good night to Gisa and takes his cup to his bed with him. I get up from my spot on the couch and get a marker from the counter.

“What’s that for?” She asked when I sit down.

“It’s for you. I’ve been where you are, and this helped a lot. I want you to write things you want to be alive for on your arms. That way, if you feel like cutting, you’ll see reasons not to.” I hand the marker to her. She takes the cap off.

“I guess that could work.” She starts writing the names of her family, but pauses after 5 people. Her hand shakes on the first letter. “C-can you write it for me?” Her voice cracks as a tear slides down her face. She moves to sit next to me so I don’t have to write upside down. She turns her face away from her arm. I write his name in the bit of space near the crease in her arm. Shade. I hold her hand after writing it.

“It’ll be okay, Gisa. I promise.” I whisper. I don’t consider myself to be very sentimental, but heart melts a little when she stares at me with a warm smile and a blush on her cheeks. I smile back at her. We keep talking until it’s 4am and my stomach hurts from laughing. I end up falling asleep on the recliner, with Gisa stretched out on the couch.

***********

When I woke up, she was walking back into the living room with three plates.

“Up and at ‘em, Sleeping Beauty.” She said, setting the plates filled with food down on the coffee table.

“That’s very kind of you.” I smile. The food looks amazing.

“It’s the least I could do after you let me stay here last night.”

Morrey came out of his room and ate with us after a while. I talked with both of them, but my gaze lingered on the word Gisa has written on her other arm. Cameron.

-Gisa-  
Instead of going home, after leaving Cameron’s house, I walked to the field of wildflowers near the river, where I was now laying down, staring at the sky.  
I’d never known anybody like her. I’d completely misjudged her. I always thought that she and Mare were just alike, but had a side that she reserved for a few people. Lucky me, I got to see it. That side of her was softer, more caring, sweeter than I’ve ever known my sister to be. It was beautiful. She was beautiful. Everything about her made me feel freer than I’ve ever been. I have a long way to go before I can honestly say that I’m okay, but every time I think of her smile, I get a little bit closer. I look to my side and see a dandelion. I pick it and blow on it. As it drifts into the wind, I make a wish.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ????????!!!?!?!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uhhh here's part two!! I have a few more wips to finish for RQ and then I'll do some greek mythology stuff!!

-Gisa-  
Mare was the first to find me. I’d left the field and was curled up in a chair in the library. She means well, but her bitterness tends to interrupt someone’s (usually my) calm. Sometimes it feels like her entire being is made of salt. I tune her out until I feel her pull my arm toward her. It takes me a moment to process that she asked me why I have our family’s names written on my forearm. I yank my arm away. “It’s none of your business.” I say firmly, my voice sounding more childish than I’d like. Even in this heat, I wish for a sweater to cover my arms before Mare starts asking questions about my other arm.

“Of course it’s my business, my name is written on your wrist!”

“Don’t push it, Mare. I don’t want to talk about it.” This being my family, she keeps trying to get an answer out of me.

“Where were you this morning?”

I don’t respond, and she waits for an answer. The silence between us is competitive, both of us trying to see who breaks first.

“I just wanted to be alone, okay?” my voice softens. “I’m not going to talk about it.”

“Why?” Mare’s voice shrinks to a whisper.

“It’s a lot. I’m not really ready to talk to you or anyone else about it.” A half-truth. I would talk to Cameron all day if she’d listen. But I wouldn’t want to burden her with my problems. I wouldn’t want to see her cry for me. God, if I could just hear her laugh one more time.

“Sis, you can talk to me about anything. I want you to know that. Okay?” She puts a hand on my shoulder and squeezes. The gesture is meant to be comforting, but instead it feels almost robotic compared to the feeling of Cameron’s hand in mine. I look at the ground, trying to hide the blush on my face.

“Okay.” I say plainly. It never feels like I can. She’s not as easy to talk to as she thinks. Shade was. Tramy is, but it feels much harder to talk to anyone lately.

“Okay.” Mare says. “Anyways, mom wants to see you. She’s worried, and so is dad.”

No, no, no, no. I can’t do it. I can’t go home just yet. I know exactly what I’m going to hear from them when I do go home, but what would I say to Mare to tell her that I don’t want to go, “Hey, I can’t go home because you and rest of our family has been deteriorating my mental health since I was 8 years old by pressuring me to be perfect, so my self-worth is basically non-existent, I worry about disappointing everyone, and this almost pushed me to the point of suicide”? There’s no way I could say that out loud, so when she starts walking in the direction of our house, I get up from my chair and follow.

I hadn’t been in the house for more than three seconds before I felt Mom’s arms wrap around me. Dad’s a little slower on his feet than Mom, but I felt his arms shortly after. “We were so worried about you, Gisa!” Mom cries. She and dad pull away from me.

“Where have you been?” Dad exclaims. His brows are knitted together.

“I was…” If I tell them, they’ll start asking questions I don’t have answers to. If I don’t, I’ll keep suffering in silence. “I just wanted some peace and quiet, so I went to the library early this morning.” I exhale. I don’t want them to worry.

“You should’ve told us where you were going.” My father says sternly.

I look down at my feet. “I’m sorry.”

“You should be. We were worried sick about you.” She exhales and pinches the bridge of her nose. “This isn’t like you, Gisa. We’re disappointed. Leaving the house without so much as a note to tell us where you are. This base, these people, are dangerous, Gisa. Don’t scare us like that again.” I always feel like they don’t care enough to notice me, but I don’t think “care” is the right word for it. Mom and Dad care about me. I know they love me. They just don’t pay close enough attention to notice that I haven’t truthfully answered the question, “Are you okay?” in a really long time.

It’s been an hour since they stopped lecturing me, and I can still hear their voices in my head, taunting me as I stare out of the window of Mare and I’s shared bedroom, my knees pulled up to my chest on the bed. This isn’t like you Gisa. We’re disappointed. Disappointed echoes through my head every time I replay the scenario. I’m overthinking this, I know I am, but every time I think about their voices, their tone seems harsher. My family is trying to live through me. They may claim to see me as their savior, their knight in shining armor, but in putting me on a pedestal, they forget to see me for what I am: a girl of fifteen who wants nothing more than to be seen as human.

-Cameron-

I haven’t stopped thinking about her since she left. About her voice, her smile, her laugh, the rhythm with which she spoke, her words. They’re my family. I love them. I’d drown a thousand times over if it meant saving them. She’d told me. Ah, but you can only drown once, Barrow. I said to her. Everything about what she said leaves me awestruck because she understands. She was me. I’ve been exactly where she was, I’d seen the road she was on, and I hope to lead her out of the darkness before it’s too late.

I must’ve talked about her a lot, because while I’m laying on the couch reading the book of myths Sara gave me, Morrey answers the door and basically yells back to me, “Cam, your girlfriend is here!”

My face burns as I walk to the door. My brother stares at me with a shit-eating grin. I look at Gisa, seeing the shirt I let her borrow from me in her hands, her brows knotted together and her face flushed. I invite her in. She sits down on the couch and starts fiddling around with the cloth in her hands, keeping her head down. “What is it, Gee?”

She looks up at me with watery eyes. “I can’t really sum up 7 years with a few words, at least not the way I want to.” She took a breath, and the words spill out of her mouth. “I know this isn’t healthy. I know I shouldn’t still be trying to please them if it’s hurting me, but I don’t want them to be upset with me. I don’t want them to worry. I want to live up to their expectations, but it’s too much, Cameron. I can’t do it. They’ve always wanted me to be their savior, but then I got hurt, and they started looking to Mare to save us. I was relieved at first, I was…happy that they didn’t expect as much of me anymore. Then I realized they were now putting that pressure on Mare, and I wanted it back so she wouldn’t have to live with it. So when Sara said she could heal my hand, I immediately agreed to let her. I started working non-stop, making flags and bandanas, embroidering them, mending clothing, anything I could do to be their savior again. I just…I need to take a break from it all, but I’m scared, Cameron. I’m scared of disappointing them.” She exhales, the fatigue evident on her face. “I can’t live like this anymore.” 

My heart breaks for the girl with fire in her hair and gold in her heart. “Do you know who Icarus was, Gisa?”

“No.”

“He was a myth from the early days of the Old World, dare I say a tragedy. A boy given wings who flew too close to the sun. He was destined to fall from the beginning.” I walk from where I stood near the recliner to kneel in front of her on the couch. “The love you have for your family is your wings, sacrificing your health for them is the sun, and they are the sea.” I take her hands in mine, looking deep into her big, brown eyes that have turned gold in the fading sunlight. “Don’t become a tragedy, Gisa. You are far too precious for that.”  
She spoke, her voice as broken as her expression. “I’m helpless.” tears fall down her face, collecting at her chin.  
I lean my forehead against hers. “I know how that feels. I’ve been where you are. But I’m here for you now, and I swear you’ll never feel so helpless.”

She smiles at me through her tears. “I am damaged,” She whispers. “Really damaged. What if I’m beyond repair?”

“You’re not.” I whisper back. “Fine you’re damaged, really damaged, but that does not mean your fate is sealed. You aren’t helpless, I’ve been where you are, you still have a chance to heal. Please don’t go as far as I did.” I hold up my forearm for her to see. Her eyes widen as she stares at the scars. They’re old, I haven’t cut in a long time. I don’t want them healed because I like having the reminder of progress.

“Cam-“

“Don’t try to solve pain by adding more pain, it’s self-destructive and it never helps.” I show her my other arm, which has three names in smudged paint on it: Mom, Dad, and Morrey. I’ll have to repaint them soon. “They saved my life.”

She holds up her arm, the one with my name written on it. “And you saved mine.” I already knew she had my name on her arm, but it still makes me cry. I lean forward enough to hug her middle, crying happy tears into her shirt. Her arms wrap around me, and she laughs. I melt at the sound, once again feeling helpless, but I’ve never felt so free.

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you guys enjoyed this! I'll post the next chapter soon. Follow me on tumblr @calliopexclio.tumblr.com


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